Insomnia has plagued me..... or is this out of habit that I wake up at 6AM? Habit because I used to check my phone to see if he messaged me through Kakao... Whenever I receive a text from that messenger, the first thing that comes in mind is, "did he text me??" Sometimes, I wonder if he's not texting me because he wants me to heal..... but deep down in side, I know guys don't really care about these things... the other person's feelings don't really matter over theirs... Isn't that why he messaged me on Monday? He didn't think about me, but was instead, trying to satisfy his own needs.... the fact that he needed help with something "one last time." If he found out about this blog, he would definitely get irritated at everything I'm writing... saying I read too much into things. It's not really about me reading into things... it's about your actions speaking what your mouth does not.
Last night, I went to a Korean BBQ place that my friend so surely recommended to me and a co-worker. The first thing I even thought about was... "Oh! Oppa's going to like this place! I can finally take him to a decent kbbq place in Massachusetts".... only to realize, he's no longer there for me to talk to... while eating at the restaurant, there was a Lakers vs Knicks game and I even wondered if he was watching the game... I want to talk to him about his thoughts on Jeremy Lin, but I can't even do that... I no longer have a sports fanatic to educate me on things... the hole in my heart just keeps growing. During the meal, my mouth slipped twice... when my friends asked me how I knew what each Korean side dish was, I automatically said, "Oh, my boyfriend is Korean." I'm not even sure why I said that in the first place because I've eaten enough Korean food myself to know what is what. That error slipped twice out of my mouth and I thought everything would just drop, but my co-worker asked me, "So does your boyfriend know how to cook this too?" In my head, I flashed back to all the meals he ever told me he can make... from fried rice to kimchi jjigae... I was so stumbled at that moment, all I could do was open my mouth and look perplexed, only to finally manage to tell her... "Ohhh..... the Korean BBQ? I'm sure anyone can cook this. It's just grilling meat right?" I hate myself for the slip of my tongue..... because of that, I can't exactly say the rest of the meal was exactly enjoyable. Everywhere around me reminded me of him.... the basketball game that was playing in the background.... the meal we were eating... and the thoughts that ran through my head about my current situation with him.
After I got back from that meal, I came home and tried to look up psychologists around Sunnyvale... he has mentioned once that he thought that maybe he should see a psychologist about what he's feeling... but I quickly dismissed that suggestion and said that if he talked to me... it'll be okay. I didn't really know how serious his situation was... it's not something an amateur like me can handle. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to Barnes and Noble to check out books on Erik Erikson's stage of development and see if there are any suggestions to help his situation... the thing is... I'm not sure if he trusts me anymore... people who suffer psychological damage in the past aren't very open to re-opening their hearts... If he's not open to talking to me again, then I would at least like to suggest the two psychologists I've found that might be able to help him.... if 10 to 12 sessions is all he needs to improve, then I think it's a 10 to 12 session well-spent. Before I even suggest it to him though, I have to be mentally and emotionally prepared for damage.
Right now, I will do some research until I feel tired enough to sleep again... If I can help him in any way... I will do it. I can point a direction for him to walk, but whether or not he chooses to walk that path, is entirely up to him.
Lord, I know everything You have shown me did not happen by chance. I had to break up with him in order to talk to my friend again... in order to read that psychology exam question... in order to see why he is the way he is. You had to take him away from me first to see all this in a third person point-of-view. All I thought about during my time together with him was how he was treating me... I was treating the relationship like it was a normal one, but in reality, it's not a very normal one. It's actually very delicate... that if I did not handle it correctly, it will result in what happened to us now.
I'm not sure exactly what Your plan is, but if You're guiding me to be near him once again, please show me a sign. A sign that only I can tell that... maybe... allow me to find a solution to approach how I will talk to him?
Please be with him during his walk. He needs You now more than ever... I know I will be okay because You've blessed me with so many brothers and sisters to watch over me, but Father, please don't neglect him... if need be, for the time being, just look after him. I will be okay.
