Day 27

He's drinking right now and blaming it on me.... Oohhh... boy.... He is hopeless.... I don't even know what to say.

Father, please be with him.

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Day 23

He's a very broken person... I can't even call him a Christian... More like an Atheist posing as a Christian...

"I don't think He can help me with my situation" ...he doesn't see the power of prayer... and doesn't see the power that God has to heal broken souls.

The moment I talked about God... His emotions turned sour... Why is that? What happened that made him want to turn his back from the One who loves him so dearly?

I need a strong heart to be with him.... I need more strength..

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Day 21

I'm starting to lose faith in him... He's gotten so bad...

I think he'll forever belong where he is... Status wise... But I hope he comes to know God... Even when he's like that.

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Day 20

Mmm... Hurts all over again...

I was doing so well too... :/

I don't think he's around positive influence right now... But what can I do?

I can't see how my prayers are woring for him, but I'll just continue praying... Maybe there is a bigger picture to this. :/

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Day 18

It feels nice to feel free. :)

Lead Me - Santus Real

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Day 17

I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him. I don't want to talk to him.

He messaged... And I don't want to talk to him.

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Day 16

The thought of him makes my heart hurt... I realize I don't want to re-live that past...

For now, I'm going to let God love me and overfill me with His love... that's the only thing I can count on right now to heal me... :/

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Day 15

Ephesians 2:10 NLT

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

It's good to keep this in mind and I hope that he realizes that he's God's masterpiece... No matter where in his walk with God he is.

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Day 14

I talked to my closest friends at church about what happened and that really helped me. I felt like everytime I talked about it, I was getting better. :) At least I don't cry when I re-tell the story!

I think he wants us to consider getting back together, but I might think about this one... I honestly don't want to go back to the pain I felt before... Even if I feel this way now... I know God has a plan for me, so I should walk forward and keep to it.

I have such great sisters and brothers along the road to support me... Thank you, Lord for the life you have given me. :)

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Day 13

I was advised to keep away from him... For a very long time...

At this point, he's too dangerous to approach... I can only watch from the sideline and hope he does not walk astray.

I think I'll do that... In order to heal...

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Day 12

I felt especially empty last night... Parts of me did not want to go home because it made me think about my ex... What is this stage called? Extreme withdrawal?

When I see him still needing help, it's so hard for someone who still cares for him watch him from afar. Was it really the right move to step out of his life instead of guiding him through it? His insecurities, his fears... What could I have done for him? I know he secretly wants to finally call a place home, but he flees once he has something good in front of him. Are my prayers for him not strong enough? I already gave up my favorite pasttime in order to have a stronger prayer for him...

It pains my heart trying to move on... Even when I'm with another guy, I look like I'm okay on the outside, but I really am not.

Lord, please heal my broken heart... Please heal his broken past... Please heal us sinful and broken people.

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Day 11

Didn't end up calling. :) Decided it was best to not feel crappy the rest of the week.

It's gotten harder to pray for him as well... Hard for me to pray without having jaded thoughts. I'm sure God has heard my mixed message prayers, but luckily, He knows best... So I didn't really have to tell Him.

I wonder if my mom was right... That this will affect me... And how I date... One thing is for sure... I don't think I can commit to a relationship for a long time...

Hope I bounce back. :) ...praying for it.

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Day 10

I think I'm going to call him today... I know, you probably think it's because I miss him right? No... Because I know he still uses my card, so I have to let him know to he should stop if he's not my bf anymore. I've spoiled him sooooo much that he thinks it's okay. For a while, I thought it was okay too, but I cannot let him if he can't commit to me. I've already changed my address, so he can't order things, but I need to make sure he stops completely.

A friend of mine told me his friend told him to stop fooling around because essentially, you're paying for someone else's wife. I feel like the same concept can be applied here... It's like I'm paying for someone else's husband.

Last night, I also read more about people with commitment issues... Made me SO angry when I read it because he did exactly 90% of what was listed in there. I really was like a mistress to him... A hidden lover.

It makes it really hard for me to pray for someone like that, but I will still continue to pray..

I will need to pray for strength... For a healthy mind when I pray for him.

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Day 9

Still trying to figure out why he texted me that message on Sunday. :/

It's interesting because my heartache is about 80% healed? This is a quicker recovery than I imagined... I think part of the pain was knowing he wasn't my "one" when I treated him exactly so. :/

Love isn't fair. It doesn't always go your way.

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Day 8

God... I don't understand what You're doing... Are You answering my prayers or are You teasing me?

He messaged me after I fell asleep saying he misses me... What should I do? What would You like me to do? Answer him or should I ignore it until I'm ready? The easy thing to do is respond to him and tell him how I feel as well, but is that what You want? What role am I supposed to play in his life?

I'm so confused and don't know what to do... I feel myself getting better and it does not hurt as much as last week, but I still could use more time to heal... I think I'll answer him, but I will pray before I do.

I know prayer requires patience, but sometimes I do wonder why my prayer... The one prayer I want to see happen... For him to wholeheartedly come to Christ... take so long for Father to make happen? Despite the long wait... I will still continue to pray.

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Day 7

This day signifies a full week since I have broken up with my boyfriend.

Yesterday, I again, received a text from him.. as a reply to the last message I sent him. He told me that he still wants to come to Boston for school and that he, along with myself, really believes in it. Somehow, before I even pulled out my phone, I already knew it was a text from him. Isn't that funny? At that time, I was at Best Buy checking out e-readers that I was interested in purchasing. Suddenly receiving that text, my eyes could not help, but water up with tears. I feel like it was a sign from God telling me that he still has feelings for me...for him to even remember to respond to that text. Inside of me, I felt reassured that he has not given up his dreams and that he will come to Boston one day... though a long time away, we will reunite one day.

After I received that text, I really wanted to reply to him with something... ask him how he was doing... see if he has been okay... but I stopped myself. I told myself before that I had to mentally and emotionally prepare myself before I can even ask or tell him anything. That last Tuesday is supposed to be the last time we will contact for a few weeks.. until I know I am ready to speak to him again.

Now that I'm unable to support him and that he has to work in order to get the money he needs to provide for his daily needs... will he be able to study well and get into a college in Boston? I know he's not my responsibility anymore... that even if I was together with him... I didn't have to do what I did, but I felt compelled to BECAUSE I was his girlfriend. Now that we've separated, I can only support him from afar.

Even now, I still feel he has feelings for me.... I feel like he was most honest with me and really tried to open his locked door to me.

Oppa, please be good. I know it's painful to suddenly have an emotional and financial support taken away from you, but please be good. Don't try to find a re-bound and concentrate on your studies and work. If you want to come here for real, you have got to be disciplined and turn away from the things that will lead you away from your goals..... and even God.

I still pray for you every day... and I still pray that you will one day come to know God as I know Him.

Day 6

Insomnia has plagued me..... or is this out of habit that I wake up at 6AM? Habit because I used to check my phone to see if he messaged me through Kakao... Whenever I receive a text from that messenger, the first thing that comes in mind is, "did he text me??" Sometimes, I wonder if he's not texting me because he wants me to heal..... but deep down in side, I know guys don't really care about these things... the other person's feelings don't really matter over theirs... Isn't that why he messaged me on Monday? He didn't think about me, but was instead, trying to satisfy his own needs.... the fact that he needed help with something "one last time." If he found out about this blog, he would definitely get irritated at everything I'm writing... saying I read too much into things. It's not really about me reading into things... it's about your actions speaking what your mouth does not.

Last night, I went to a Korean BBQ place that my friend so surely recommended to me and a co-worker. The first thing I even thought about was... "Oh! Oppa's going to like this place! I can finally take him to a decent kbbq place in Massachusetts".... only to realize, he's no longer there for me to talk to... while eating at the restaurant, there was a Lakers vs Knicks game and I even wondered if he was watching the game... I want to talk to him about his thoughts on Jeremy Lin, but I can't even do that... I no longer have a sports fanatic to educate me on things... the hole in my heart just keeps growing. During the meal, my mouth slipped twice... when my friends asked me how I knew what each Korean side dish was, I automatically said, "Oh, my boyfriend is Korean." I'm not even sure why I said that in the first place because I've eaten enough Korean food myself to know what is what. That error slipped twice out of my mouth and I thought everything would just drop, but my co-worker asked me, "So does your boyfriend know how to cook this too?" In my head, I flashed back to all the meals he ever told me he can make... from fried rice to kimchi jjigae... I was so stumbled at that moment, all I could do was open my mouth and look perplexed, only to finally manage to tell her... "Ohhh..... the Korean BBQ? I'm sure anyone can cook this. It's just grilling meat right?" I hate myself for the slip of my tongue..... because of that, I can't exactly say the rest of the meal was exactly enjoyable. Everywhere around me reminded me of him.... the basketball game that was playing in the background.... the meal we were eating... and the thoughts that ran through my head about my current situation with him.

After I got back from that meal, I came home and tried to look up psychologists around Sunnyvale... he has mentioned once that he thought that maybe he should see a psychologist about what he's feeling... but I quickly dismissed that suggestion and said that if he talked to me... it'll be okay. I didn't really know how serious his situation was... it's not something an amateur like me can handle. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to Barnes and Noble to check out books on Erik Erikson's stage of development and see if there are any suggestions to help his situation... the thing is... I'm not sure if he trusts me anymore... people who suffer psychological damage in the past aren't very open to re-opening their hearts... If he's not open to talking to me again, then I would at least like to suggest the two psychologists I've found that might be able to help him.... if 10 to 12 sessions is all he needs to improve, then I think it's a 10 to 12 session well-spent. Before I even suggest it to him though, I have to be mentally and emotionally prepared for damage.

Right now, I will do some research until I feel tired enough to sleep again... If I can help him in any way... I will do it. I can point a direction for him to walk, but whether or not he chooses to walk that path, is entirely up to him.

Lord, I know everything You have shown me did not happen by chance. I had to break up with him in order to talk to my friend again... in order to read that psychology exam question... in order to see why he is the way he is. You had to take him away from me first to see all this in a third person point-of-view. All I thought about during my time together with him was how he was treating me... I was treating the relationship like it was a normal one, but in reality, it's not a very normal one. It's actually very delicate... that if I did not handle it correctly, it will result in what happened to us now.

I'm not sure exactly what Your plan is, but if You're guiding me to be near him once again, please show me a sign. A sign that only I can tell that... maybe... allow me to find a solution to approach how I will talk to him?

Please be with him during his walk. He needs You now more than ever... I know I will be okay because You've blessed me with so many brothers and sisters to watch over me, but Father, please don't neglect him... if need be, for the time being, just look after him. I will be okay.

Day 5

While helping my friend with his psychology homework, a certain scenario stuck to me... Actually... It describes exactly how my ex is...

The scenario described of a man reaching 30 and unable to find a lasting relationship. Instead, he is always plagued by the feeling of loneliness... Thinking that every relationship he has been, his significant other was forcing him to lose himself.. His identity.

But now, let me ask you. What do you think your identity is? Your name? Your age? Your status in life? Is that really who you are? Do you think that college will give you the identity you need? A name you can attach to yourself... on facebook?

My ex also suffers from a loss of direction in life... He puts up a front that he knows what he's doing, but in reality, he's not too sure. He chooses to succumb to old and rather unhealthy habits instead of improving himsef, which again, is probably due to his thinking that he is "losing himself". He has a lot of ambition and aims to score high, but if he cannot find the reason he wants to succeed, nothing will ever amount to it.

During our relationship together, I can also feel a bit of an obsession with money. As if how much I gave him, was supposed to show how much I loved him. He probably thought all my words were lies when I said I treated him like family... He probably thought, if I ever treated him like a family, then why, when her family is suffering financially, that she chooses to throw me aside? If I was family, shouldn't she be able to help me, too? She said she would help me through school, but in the end, she lied. I have no need for liars like that in my life.

What I've written are all my observations of the situation, but thank You, Father for showing this to me last night... I was praying for him a few hours before seeing that, but it looks like You thought it was better if I read that... You probably realized I was starting to turn my sorrow into hatred, right? Now that I've read that, I understand now... But is it my place to reach out my hand to help him? What if he burns me again with his stoic feelings? I understand that all I can do now is pray for him... That I cannot save him from how he is living his life... That only You can save him... So when, God, will you rescue him? He needs you more than ever right now... I know You've showed me the reason why he is the way he is, but does that mean you want me to show him too? Father... I don't think You should have showed him to me in the first place... Do You think I'm strong enough to handle this? I only pray for Your guidance now... And that You may watch over us two...

Before I contact him in any way, I will read more on this... I want to understand him and find out how I can help him... just praying isn't enough.... I need to find a good way to approach him again..

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Day 4

Today, my goal is not to cry the rest of the day... I did it already when I woke up at 6:25... I don't understand why I keep waking up at that time. ><;;

God, my selfish request, but please overcome this broken heart with your love, the greatest love there is. I'm not sure if I can do this alone... You've sent good friends to look after me during this time, but it's not enough for me to stop thinking of hurting myself.... To forget this emotional pain.

"SMS (Shine) by David Crowder" is really helping me stay strong... The MV... A story about a person losing their loved one... was the sermon on Sunday Your sign to me? To let go? To fill my heart with Your love?

God, did I lose myself in that relationship? Is that why You had to take him away? I'm reallyyy reallyyy sorry... I should have prayed harder for a stronger and more faithful relationship... I thought I could do it alone... But I've neglected to add You into our relationship... That was my fault... I should have tried harder... God.. I won't do it again..so can You return him to me? Please?


EDIT: I didn't cry today, but I got teary eyed... I tried to fight off the tears from falling and I succeeded...

There used to be a feeling of longing towards my ex... but now I feel a deep, deep heartache. I can't smile properly right now either...

Right now... I need God more than ever.... to hold my tongue from speaking evil... from speaking what the Devil wants me to say.... While I'm seeking God, I know he's seeking girls... a replacement for me... has that worked out well?

I just got to talking to my friend about a deli restaurant around my house.... she asked me if I've gone... but all I can remember is that the last time I've gone there... was with my ex. I really can't go there right now... it'll remind me too much... I still remember which booth we sat in....

Was I just a walking wallet to you?? Like I've stated in the e-mail? Up until the end.... you just kept proving to me that I was just a wallet for you to ask money from...

Lord.... can you please take this pain away? I think I've had enough.... I can't do it anymore... lately... I've been wishing you would take away this pain... by taking away my life..........

You know I can't handle it... based on my past... I can't handle getting played with again... so why did You send him to me?? WHY???

I seriously want to die right now........ I think about inflicting pain on myself... just to forget the pain in my heart... I'll pray about this first...

EDIT 2: I cried... gotta restart and master this goal again tomorrow........ :(

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Day 3

I see myself checking my e-mail often just to see if he replied to the e-mail I sent him. Honestly, I wasn't expecting him to answer me, but a little part of me inside wants to find out what he thinks.

How is he doing? I see myself looking at the clock and trying to guess what he could be doing at this hour.

Without someone there to keep him in line... will he give up trying to study? I don't want him to do that... But all I can do now is watch from the sideline...

Don't settle oppa.. Keep striving forward! What you're doing with the procrastination is settling for less! School is like this... I know you're tired every night and think that if you are able to turn whatever work you come up with before deadline is fine, but it's not! How are you going to study in BC/BU?? The classes are tons harder!

Don't settle for less...  Please... I'm not there to tell you that anymore...


EDIT: Does using OKC again help you forget me? Oppa... stop playing around. You have to study!! Why are you placing your time in finding girls when you have to study and write up reports?? Wasn't that the reason why you crammed your essay on Tuesday? Why do you do this to yourself, huh? Why do you not see what I see??

...why did you walk away from me? On the outside.. it might have looked like I ended it... but all the actions you've done... were the reason why we're not together anymore... The fact that you stopped keeping your word... the fact that you stopped answering my texts... the fact that you grew accustomed to ignoring me... the fact that you stopped trying for us...  the fact that you stopped fighting for us... the fact that you logged on okc again when we were still together... that last reason was the determining factor to why I wrote the e-mail that I wrote...

You know I have my insecurities with you, so why couldn't you let me have my way and just look only at me?? Why did your heart have to stray away from me?? You've told me that the girls you talked to on okc were just girls to pass the time during the time you weren't in school... so why did you log on Sunday when we were still together? You PROMISED you wouldn't log on again!! You PROMISED me that!! Is it that hard to keep your promises with your girlfriend?? Am I actually the girl you used to pass the time with?

You've wondered why I didn't trust you? Put it all together and ask yourself if you've been faithful to me. If you've done all you could to reassure me that I'm your only girl... your only one...

Do you understand now why I asked you come back to me only if you have a wholesome heart to love me? It's because your heart was never with me... never mine... It was never wholesome, but half-assed. That's why you couldn't settle down with me... your heart still wants to play... and I really wasn't the type of girl you should have played with. My heart for you was pure... and I can guarantee it. I never looked at any other guy, but you. It's unfortunate that you didn't feel the same...

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Day 2

One of my good friends introduced me to blogging to keep my mind off things... I think I'll continue doing this until I'm better.. :) Knowing me... I'll want to talk to him after a week of separation... That's what happened last time right?

Last night... I had the weirdest phase where I tricked myself into thinking that I was happy that we've broken up... Who am I trying to kid?? I know things don't work that way... Especially... not with me...

I know he has already moved on... He's that type to pick up really fast... So why can't I move on myself?? All the mental anguish he put me through?? Do I really want to go back to that again??

Despite how I may feel... I miss him... I hope he's still keeping his dream alive and working towards getting into a Boston school...

Oppa... Do you know I miss you? I know you've moved on... Or trying to move on, but I'm still here.. secretly waiting for that one day we'll meet again.

All I can do now is pray... Pray that he will be okay. Pray that he will see God in his life one day...

I miss you dearly... Please be okay.


EDIT:
So he messaged me today... I'm glad he did because I was about to drive myself crazy missing him... Yes, we've broken up, but I'm glad he acknowledges the e-mail I wrote him... I really tried to tell him everything I felt during our time together..even then.. I know I didn't write down everything that I felt.

It worries me... what he told me today...  I thought he was doing really well in class... being ahead of the game... but I realized... he's started to procrastinate... Will he be able to get the grades he needs to transfer here? All I can do is pray for him now... because I know if I go back and try to help him through it... he won't understand. As much as it hurts seeing him fall and walk this one on his own... I know he has to do this alone. Only then, will he get stronger.

Please Father.. look after him for me.

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