Day 4

Today, my goal is not to cry the rest of the day... I did it already when I woke up at 6:25... I don't understand why I keep waking up at that time. ><;;

God, my selfish request, but please overcome this broken heart with your love, the greatest love there is. I'm not sure if I can do this alone... You've sent good friends to look after me during this time, but it's not enough for me to stop thinking of hurting myself.... To forget this emotional pain.

"SMS (Shine) by David Crowder" is really helping me stay strong... The MV... A story about a person losing their loved one... was the sermon on Sunday Your sign to me? To let go? To fill my heart with Your love?

God, did I lose myself in that relationship? Is that why You had to take him away? I'm reallyyy reallyyy sorry... I should have prayed harder for a stronger and more faithful relationship... I thought I could do it alone... But I've neglected to add You into our relationship... That was my fault... I should have tried harder... God.. I won't do it again..so can You return him to me? Please?


EDIT: I didn't cry today, but I got teary eyed... I tried to fight off the tears from falling and I succeeded...

There used to be a feeling of longing towards my ex... but now I feel a deep, deep heartache. I can't smile properly right now either...

Right now... I need God more than ever.... to hold my tongue from speaking evil... from speaking what the Devil wants me to say.... While I'm seeking God, I know he's seeking girls... a replacement for me... has that worked out well?

I just got to talking to my friend about a deli restaurant around my house.... she asked me if I've gone... but all I can remember is that the last time I've gone there... was with my ex. I really can't go there right now... it'll remind me too much... I still remember which booth we sat in....

Was I just a walking wallet to you?? Like I've stated in the e-mail? Up until the end.... you just kept proving to me that I was just a wallet for you to ask money from...

Lord.... can you please take this pain away? I think I've had enough.... I can't do it anymore... lately... I've been wishing you would take away this pain... by taking away my life..........

You know I can't handle it... based on my past... I can't handle getting played with again... so why did You send him to me?? WHY???

I seriously want to die right now........ I think about inflicting pain on myself... just to forget the pain in my heart... I'll pray about this first...

EDIT 2: I cried... gotta restart and master this goal again tomorrow........ :(

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