Day 5

While helping my friend with his psychology homework, a certain scenario stuck to me... Actually... It describes exactly how my ex is...

The scenario described of a man reaching 30 and unable to find a lasting relationship. Instead, he is always plagued by the feeling of loneliness... Thinking that every relationship he has been, his significant other was forcing him to lose himself.. His identity.

But now, let me ask you. What do you think your identity is? Your name? Your age? Your status in life? Is that really who you are? Do you think that college will give you the identity you need? A name you can attach to yourself... on facebook?

My ex also suffers from a loss of direction in life... He puts up a front that he knows what he's doing, but in reality, he's not too sure. He chooses to succumb to old and rather unhealthy habits instead of improving himsef, which again, is probably due to his thinking that he is "losing himself". He has a lot of ambition and aims to score high, but if he cannot find the reason he wants to succeed, nothing will ever amount to it.

During our relationship together, I can also feel a bit of an obsession with money. As if how much I gave him, was supposed to show how much I loved him. He probably thought all my words were lies when I said I treated him like family... He probably thought, if I ever treated him like a family, then why, when her family is suffering financially, that she chooses to throw me aside? If I was family, shouldn't she be able to help me, too? She said she would help me through school, but in the end, she lied. I have no need for liars like that in my life.

What I've written are all my observations of the situation, but thank You, Father for showing this to me last night... I was praying for him a few hours before seeing that, but it looks like You thought it was better if I read that... You probably realized I was starting to turn my sorrow into hatred, right? Now that I've read that, I understand now... But is it my place to reach out my hand to help him? What if he burns me again with his stoic feelings? I understand that all I can do now is pray for him... That I cannot save him from how he is living his life... That only You can save him... So when, God, will you rescue him? He needs you more than ever right now... I know You've showed me the reason why he is the way he is, but does that mean you want me to show him too? Father... I don't think You should have showed him to me in the first place... Do You think I'm strong enough to handle this? I only pray for Your guidance now... And that You may watch over us two...

Before I contact him in any way, I will read more on this... I want to understand him and find out how I can help him... just praying isn't enough.... I need to find a good way to approach him again..

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